Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Nipples

There are certain things that you just don't do. Things that are just wrong. Like choosing ITV's news/sports coverage if there's a BBC option; standing next to another man at the urinals if there's a spare one further away; allowing yourself to be served before the man next to you at the bar if he was there first; feeling comfortable whilst watching 'adult' scenes with your parents; responding to your wife's admiration of a male celebrity with a list of who you quite fancy yourself; ordering half a pint if it's a pub you plan to show your face in again; or clasping your hands under the table at a sales meeting, accidentally making a farting sound.

Well you can now add getting jogger's nipple to that list. Like all those listed before, this is one of those lessons I've had to learn through painful experience.

So how did it happen? Because on the next run after last writing (typing?), I decided that a bit of rain wasn't an excuse to cancel but would in fact be an important part of my training, readying myself for all weather conditions I might face on the big day.

Within no time I was soaked from head to toe and by the mile point I'd reached saturation point. The football shirt that I thought would be an ideal cheap alternative to expensive running gear had got soaking wet and well, not to pull any punches, with it being so cold my tiny man nipples got cold, giving the sodden material something to rub against.

The same thing happened with my shorts rubbing against my inner thighs, though of course in this cold November temperature things weren't protruding quite as much from that region.

All of which brings me onto the subject of what equipment you need to become a runner.

First and foremost, if you're planning on running even occasionally, do a little research and get the right footwear. It's the most common tip I've heard and for a good reason - not having it caused my knee injury. Don't make the mistake I did of thinking your 10yr old, still in decent nick trainers are up to the job. Even the best purpose-built trainers are said to have a useful life-span of about 700 miles.

Second when it comes to clothing think about what it will feel and (just as importantly) look like when you're running. Feel because you don't want nipples as tender as mine have been and look because you don't want to be self-conscious. I don't necessarily mean about looking unfashionable but more your bits being on show. Personally I've found for example that tight/unfeasibly-small-for-everyday-use boxers are the way to go. I don't like the prospect of spectators waving at me only to see parts of me inadvertently waving back, however combined with the cold this solution doesn't help with Obi-Wan's cape.

Lastly, if you think encouragement will help consider getting the right earphones. Regardless of whether you've downloaded an app for your phone or are listening to an MP3 player you don't want the diversion of putting them back in place all the time, which happens with most that aren't purpose-built. I've tried several (including expensive ones) and am currently using some I found with good reviews on Amazon costing just £6. Sure for that price I've compromised on sound quality, but that's not my priority.

And that's it. There's more I can and will talk about another time but they're considerations that are either not important for the beginner looking to give it a go or only come into play when you run further.

I was going to add to that list at the start not wearing a snood or pair of gloves if you want to be taken seriously as a professional sportsman. But on Sunday morning I set my alarm early and took on the English winter again, only this time the frosty cold.

Every stride I took felt like I was punching ice and I haven't had brain freeze like that since I last ate a Mr Freeze. The low lying sun was giving off unbearable glare that gave me eyeache.

And because of that you might find that in a few months I've become the runners' equivalent of the middle aged blazer-wearing man with the hood down on his convertible, wearing sunglasses in winter i.e. adorned in all the derisible fashion accessories.

A trip to the sports shop today confirmed my worst fears. Not only can I get the snood and gloves but there's also an array of other gear you'd never thought of, including 'skull' hats, luminous headbands and wallets you can fit into your shoes.



My only consolation is that hopefully underneath all that gear you won't be able to recognise me. And that, fingers crossed, my poor nipples never have to go through that ordeal again.

MM

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