Room 101

There’s one TV show more than any other I’d like to appear on, and it made a return tonight. Better yet Frank Skinner has picked up the reins from Paul Merton and before him Nick Hancock. Two comic giants (in stature, but not a good way) who loved their own ‘wit’ so much they’ve hopefully both fallen into the abyss of the show they presented. I am, of course, talking about Room 101.

If nothing else it’s return should hopefully put an end to them making any more of those Grumpy Old Men shows (tip – if you want me to watch your show don’t sell it to me with Rick Wakeman looking even more miserable than usual) which as far as I can tell served the same purpose i.e. a chance to sound off at those everyday things that tick you off.

The only trouble I’d have would be deciding which of my long list I’d prioritise. Each has its merits though I’m sure you’ll disagree with some of them. And so here would be my contenders:

H from Steps (Are we still meant to believe H stands for ‘hyper’?!)

Writing greetings cards (None worse than a colleague’s card passed around requiring a witty entry, especially when it’s already been passed round most of the office and every conceivable way of saying happy birthday/congratulations/sorry you’re leaving has been written already)

Nickelback (No explanation needed)

T4 presenters (All nauseating, perhaps none moreso than Alex Zane)

The word ‘lush’ (Generally said by women who think that pouting at a camera will improve their appearance. I don’t care where it came from, if you’re post-puberty it sounds the equivalent of your parents saying groovy)

Tractors (Leaving trails of shit everywhere at a very slow pace)

Text speak (Fine in a text but otherwise makes you look like an illiterate tw@)

Window cleaners (For scaring the crap out of me when they suddenly appear at my window and making me so self-conscious I have to hide in my own house)

The Lighthouse Family (*Shudder*)

Supermarket till operators (Making you ask for carrier bags and then sneering when you tell them you need more than the derisory amount they’ve given you for your week’s shopping. You have too much power.)

The phrase “you smashed it!” (Like the phrase “Have a nice day”, sounds authentic coming from an American but over-used and ridiculous on The X Factor thanks to airheads Cheryl Cole and now Tulisa)

Northern Rail (Went from several unfortunate years of being a daily passenger to living next door to a track they constantly work on, apparently requiring a round-the-clock alarm)

Middle Lane drivers (It’s an overtaking lane! If there’s nothing on the left pull in!)

Facebook (Or specifically people who like their own status or write something vague hoping someone will ask, “what’s up hun?” If you tell the world every time you’re “feeling sad :-(” it’s probably because you’re the type of person who thinks the world needs to know))

UB40 (White man reggae – say no more)

Obnoxious drivers (Who pull out of junctions forcing you to slow down. And lazy fat bastards that park in disabled bays with no badge. And BMW drivers (Obnoxious without exception. I test drove one before buying my current one – the salesman refused to tell me the price of the car until I complained!)

Jamie Oliver (I shop at Sainsbury’s in spite of, not because of that overly-cockney prick)

Nicholas Cage (Does he only accept parts requiring a whiny voice?)

Automated phone systems (Why is there never an option to just speak to someone to point you in the right direction?)

ITV (I’ll take it back if you can name me a decent comedy they’ve ever made)

Good Enough by Dodgy (We’ve all heard it more than enough by now haven’t we?)

Singers (Specifically those that sing whilst looking straight at you, leading you to feel you have to react to them by smiling inanely throughout. Seeing them doing it to others is just as awkward)

Horse people (generally middle-aged toff housewives who spend their bored lives irritating other road users by either driving their husband’s land rover they can barely see out of or grinding traffic to a halt as they take their scarily large-eyed pets for a walk down a main road)

Or at least that would have been the contents of my list until I started training. Like the latest niggling injury that’s kept me sidelined for the past week, there are nuisances out there that runners suffer week in week out. That being the case my list would now be:

Wind

Hills

Dog turd

Drivers that don’t give you a wide berth

That Benny Hill runner who overtook me

....and Horse people

The explanations for each are self-explanatory and, as innocent as each might seem by itself, have collectively given me plenty of cause for wanting them banished to Room 101.

Chances are I’ve offended each person reading this with at least one of those items I’ve listed and so I apologise in advance. My saving grace would be that they limit you to accepting just 3 items, no doubt for moaners like me who could rattle on all night given half the chance!

On second thoughts I hope they don’t cancel Grumpy Old Men. It looks far more likely that I’m better suited to it.

MM